My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.