My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
You Might Also Like
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
We’ve come full circle
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it