My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.