My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
You Might Also Like
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.