My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.