@Rollmaninoz: my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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@TheTweetOfGod: Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
@perfect_boxx: Women who want to renew your wedding vows.... Why not renew the bachelorette party? You'd probably have more fun.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!" Me: "My personal identification number number?" *he stabs me*