@Rollmaninoz: my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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@Storminika: Me: "Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean." Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* "Sorry, come again?" Me: "No, mustard."
@joshbupkes: when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"