My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
They got Raph!
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.