My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.