My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off