My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice