@NurseMurderer: My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
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@CourtneyBale: [dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
@illuminatedwndr: the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can't tell if he's stoned, or he knows that I am
@ChrisStephensMD: Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that's already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
@jordan_stratton: ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.