My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Cats are still liquid.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
an octopus is just a wet spider
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”