[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
remember
only for emergencies
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
best review i’ve ever seen
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?