@CulturedRuffian: My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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@SuperApple80: I see you changed the dollar menu to the $1.29 menu. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
@rockymomax: [Jesus entering surf contest] Judge: What type of board will you be riding? Jesus: [looks at feet] They're using boards?
@SincerelyTumblr: Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs. Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
@Writethatdown12: Trainer: "ok, lets warm up 1st....wait, where are you going!?" Me: "tanning bed"