My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
found this cool rock hiking today
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
That de-escalated quickly
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit