My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Come back with a warrant
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill