i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Happy Febuary everyone!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.