My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball