My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you