My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.