My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I get distracted pretty eas
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Pretty much. 🤣
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.