My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up