My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
This kid is a star!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
$4 #usedbooks
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.