My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Just a phase…
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
a lot to unpack here
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.