@Donna_McCoy: My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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@EndhooS: [Commercial for babies] *100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk* "There's got to be a better way"
@AHMalcolm: Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
@majoleaguetweet: Life is like a box of chocolates, The good ones are always gone before I get there!
@ilovepie84: I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait.