@Sarcasticsapien: My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn't there is writing about it.
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@murrman5: [waiting for date to get ready] "im almost done" no rush I'll just play with the cat "I don't have a cat" [opening a cat carrier] oh I know
@WhatTheFFacts: Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.
@realdealbiehl: Turns out 6 foot penguins don't exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
@CrazyUncIeJoe: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.