My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You Might Also Like
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.