Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
What’s a Messi?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.