My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I want what they have
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.