Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
You Might Also Like
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Why is no one talking about this?!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Anime is real
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier