@joeyhuggles: My favorite response to someone asking how something works... "Magic" even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
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@NotKarma: Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
@rolldiggity: Prince: "The slipper fits! You're the girl I met!" Girl: "I wasn't even at the ball. This is a common shoe size." Prince: "YOU'RE THE GIRL!"
@mynameisntdave: People who carry their dogs around, You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It's like one of the top known things about dogs
@ToxicProbably: Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly they don't want you to cook for them anymore