Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”