My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
crying
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I was up all night reading about insomnia
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!