strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?