sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!