My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*