My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.