My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You Might Also Like
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses