Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
marvel comics have peaked
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.