My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
You Might Also Like
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
When the stylist spins you back around
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.