My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.