Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
How wrong was this guy?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please