My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.