My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
being a writer on Twitter:
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good