WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?