My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”