My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.