And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming