my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Bruh PLEASE
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.