my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!