My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*